you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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