My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
