She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
