So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
