I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
