you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
