so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Two words: nipple clamps
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