He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
