hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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