Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
