Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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