I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
