the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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