the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
