someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
