She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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