It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
