Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
