i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
