you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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