Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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