Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
