just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
