The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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