you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
