if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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