shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
