I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
