Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
