Got a toothbrush?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Randomize
