Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
