he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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