i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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