South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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