there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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