god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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