For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
