I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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