I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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