i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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