he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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