The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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