I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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