Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
