Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
