sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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