P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
