why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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