In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
