who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
