I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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