dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
