Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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