I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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