oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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